lightbulb

suddenly, while i was minding my own business lying on the bed checking my email on the laptop, i felt something drop on the bed beside me. i look around and it's the lightbulb from the ceiling light..... ??? .... is this a sign? is someone trying to tell me something? or did i just have a brilliant idea?
it's very strange, lightbulbs usually don't just fall out.....

chewing things

i have always liked to chew things, usually plastic things.

I think one of my all time favourite things to chew are the spoons you get in wizz fizz. sometimes i have gotte so attatched to them that i will use the same spoon for many packets of wizz fizz.

i also like to chew twisty ties - not so much your kitchen drawer types, but the more sturdy ones you get tied around electical cords when you buy a new appliance.

i can't leave out chuppa chupp sticks, they're great because sometimes they keep that lolly flavour for up to a hour after finishing the lolly part itself. yum. my favourite chuppa chupp flavours are strawberry and cherry. cherry ones are hard to find sometimes so if anyone finds some can you send them to me?

21 resolutions

i've never been one for new year's resolutions but after turning 21 last friday i've decided to make a few resolutions for my adult life.

1 : loose weight - just a bit, not get uber fit or anything.
2 : stop buying any nestle and coke products
3 : spend more time outside
4 : read more -any suggestions?
5 : spend more time with friends
6 : eat more fruit
7 : spend more time doing art at home
8 : keep up to date with tafe work
9 : get a job
10: put more energy into volunteer work
11: ride my bike more
12: see more movies
13: start a vege food review zine
14: be involved in more exhibitions
15: travel
16: ring nana more often
17: send birthday cards
18: save some money
19: learn something in art theory
20: do more housework
21: laugh more

quality time

Dad has been coming up to newcastle a bit lately because he is managing a job up here for his work.
It's been nice to see him a bit more, we've been going out for coffee's and having lunch together. It is really odd though because i've been realising how much i don't know about him and how it's hard sometimes to know what to talk about.
He was here earlier this week and we met up for coffee, we had been chatting a lot and all was going well. Then for some reason i brought up that i had been watching the sbs program 'speaking in tongues'. Dad had never seen it but i thought i might as well talk about it anyway. I was telling him about how they were discussing what had been going on in Cronulla and that they had a scientist talking about the gene side of different ethnic groups and whether that had anything to do with how different groups interacted. Then i told him about the second guest, a guy from macquarie uni who supported the idea of a white australia policy. i went on to tell dad how this guy was actually american and had moved her in 79 and that i thought he had no right to try to tell people how to run their own country.
dad responded by saying something like 'well it's fine for people to come here from other countries but they have to realise this is a christian australia'
he also went on to say that when people move here they should be here to become australian, and then something about how the muslims are taking over....
i had so many problems with what he was saying but i just couldn't say anything... i couldn't comprehend that my own dad had just basically said that people should leave their culture behind when coming to australia - and saying it's 'christian australia'.
i don't think he actually realises how similar christian and muslim beliefs are either, he made it sound like a disease.
but because i didn't want the chat with me storming out of the cafe i changed the subject.

since then i have been thinking back to sunday school. now, i wouldn't call myself a christian anymore but that doesn't mean i've completely forgotten all those years i did. anyway, i remember hearing all the stories about jesus and how he would spend time with the sick, the poor, even let a prostitute wash his feet... To me, those lessons are the most important. They taught me to respect people, no matter who they are. To be non judgemental, to care for people, and most of all to accept people.
Sure, the old testament was all about judgement, and gnashing of teeth and hell. But i think by the new testament we can all see that those laws set down, the comandments, just weren't practical in the world we live in.
it's not cool to shun people, it's not cool to say other people are wrong because they don't live exactly like you do.
i wonder if my father feels like the jewish faith is a threat to his anglican ways? it's different, just like the muslim faith but in the end it's the same god. but maybe becauce jesus was a jew it's ok. but because some muslims like blowing things up, that makes all muslims bad.

it's just so frustrating when i think that my dad thinks that way.
this christmas when i go to my parents house for lunch, i'll have to write a list of topics not to bring up....

change is a bit scary but i think the opportunity to change is a bit worse. if something just changes then it's done, you just have to deal with it. but if someone gives you an oppotunity to change something in your life then you have all the if's and but's etc in your mind to deal with. it just get's complicated until you are finally resolved about the idea...unless you're like me and just as you've accepted it you start thinking about the negative side.

it's hard to know where you want to go in a situation when others around you aren't voicing their opinions and feelings. if they are just going along with everything. are they going along because they are happy with it or just because it's convenient?
if you were a vegetarian, stuck out in the...ocean...on a raft, about to die of starvation, and the only thing to eat was fish, then you would eat it. not because you wanted to, but because you had to. there was no other options and the fish was conveniently there for you to eat.

hmmm

wouldn't it be weird if the internet just died one day.... extinct...just gone....

spices

i am back in hamilton after a lengthy stay over in the east of newie. it's curran's birthday today so we (the housemates) went out to dinner. we had thai which was very yummy. we went and got cold rock ice cream afterwards. i had macadamia ice cream with snickers crushed through it. very nice, might have to get that one again.


when we got home i decided to organise my spices. its a job i had been putting off but i had finally collected enough glass jars to make a good start. they all look very neat and tidy now. i just wish i had food to cook with so i could take advantage of my extensive spice collection.


after organising the spices i cleaned the kitchen. i decided to move the bread from one corner over to the corner near the toaster as it makes more sense for it to be there for easier toasting access.


my right wrist is going through a bit of pain while i'm typing at the moment. while i was trying to put some of cass's hair up her nose - not that is would have reached - she bit my wrist very hard. the pain was bareable at the time but it has been stinging since and now i'm experiencing hand cramps. it's quite hurty.


there's something really beautiful about feeling completely content with the way things in your life are going. something inside just melts and even if there are shitty things as well they just fade away. i know its mushy but it's how i've been feeling recently.


oh, before i go. i strongly recommend hot chips dipped in ice cream.

quiet

once again i find myself back in hornsby. i was at westfield this afternoon waiting for ryan by the fountain and found it quite surreal. there's so many more people in any one place here compared to newcastle. so many more white pants wearing girls too. i don't understand how they are always kept so white...it must be the work of nappysan.
it's 1am. the wind chimes outside are blowing in the breeze and singing a nice tune. the clock is ticking along. i am trying to tip toe across the keyboard as quietly as possible, i don't want to wake the parents as we have to be up 6am to get ready to leave for the airport. the plane leaves at 8:45am for melbourne where there is a forty five minute wait until the next plane to Launceston. I think we arrive there around midday.
i wish we had longer in melbourne. it's a very beautiful place. even when you're running around in the streets soaking wet from the rain gushing down on you.
i hope that i do enjoy tasmainia. i think i probably will. although i am going to miss newcastle a lot, even though i'll only be away for 5 more days.
i hope there's some sort of pub in poatina. just so it feels a bit friendlier. i'm sure it will be a friendly place.. but more in a god loves you sort of way...but of course i'm one of those nasty homosexuals so who knows what sort of reception i'll get.
i get to see kaia though and that's the main thing. it's really a shame that at a point in our lives when kaia, adam and i are all over all the sibling shit that goes on we are all living more then 2hrs from eachother and don't get to spend time with eachother. i think the space is what has let us see eachother in a different light. it's a completely different thought process when you aren't battling eachother for the shower or the remote control.
my hands are dry. i had a long shower, which is always nice at midnight, and i didn't have any moisturiser...if i poked around the bathroom i'd probably find some though, it's not the most uncommon thing in the world.
i guess i should go and sleep a bit, have to be up in four and a half hours. i could always not sleep but i think my body would start a revolt. that reminds me i have to take my meds.
i might start reading my new book i got for the plane trip. Lighthouse keeping by jeanette winterson. i probably won't want to read on the plane, watching the clouds is too interesting.....i hope i have a window seat.
sleep now.
goodnight.

desk

there's so much stuff on my desk....i don't know how it all get's here.
There's computer labels (a box of 2500 - anyone want some?), a tie, an empty glass, a pen that doesn't work properly, a gowings card, a toy soldier, a note to call someone, floppy disks, a coaster from customs house, a gateway idol flyer, a poem by shanna, post-it notes, a lesbian roadside assistance card from howie, my old hornsby world of fitness card, simeon's business card, a northern star hotel card, spotlight vip club card, a timezone card, a moshtix moshcard, a flybuys card, a nice expensive looking pen, a hornsby library card, nic's business card, claire's business card, video ezy card, netbank info card, notes from art theory, amanda's business card, a tape measure, a few cds, a german phrasebook, a black sabbath record, some studs, a chain, a digital camera, a sheriff badge, a conatiner of beads, a mouse wheel, a clay mackett, an empty glass bottle, an exhibtion catalog, a space spark gun, a ruler, a lighter, a plastic shot glass, some batteries......and some other random stuff.....

my sister

I am going to be seeing kaia in two weeks and a bit. I'm very exctited about it...i haven't seen her in ages and i know that i probably spent the same time away from her last year but it feels different when she's so far away.... Tasmania doesn't even seem like part of Australia..... It might even float away.. i hope not. Also, now that she is engaged she seems a bit further away... and it means she'll be living with the Markster and won't be at home in Hornsby when i'm there.
Kaia and i used to have a pretty crappy realationship, as sister sometimes do. I remember us stabbing eachother with our finger nails and having fights about sharing a bedroom. Back in those days i would have to watch The Panel with no sound and then listen to my walkman where it was broadcast on triple j or some such radio station.
When i started to hang around with 'her' friends she got annoyed, very annoyed. Which is probably one of the reason i left st pete's to go to st john's - extra amusing because she eventually ended up at st john's and now is friends with all the people i used to be friends with and don't really see anymore.....maybe it's the gay thing...i don't know, that church was always a bit clicky, but i think they all are.
Kaia was the first family member i came out to. i remember that night... Katherine was over and so was Alyssa. I walked Ki up the road saying i needed to talk to her, i don't know what i actually said or she said but she gave me a hug and everything was dandy.
It's sort of strange because eventhough we spent so long fighting as kids we are quite close now. I used to think that siblings that got along well were sort of freaky, but i think some people just have a better start. All those years sharing a room was definately not a good start.
I still have a few of the letter's she wrote me over the years...some are lovely and some are sort of aggressive 'get out of my quad' stuff....which is a bit funny now.
I regret that we weren't able to have a good relationship earlier, when we were living closer to eachother. It would be great to go have coffee with her and chat about stuff on a regular basis.
I really miss my big sister.

the tender town that is newcastle

I started cleaning my room last night and only just finished. I did a lot of procrastinating... It' seems that every time it gets messy i put of cleaning for weeks until it gets to the stage of tip toeing around to avoid stepping on breakables and sharp pointy things... anyway, i started at around 10pm (i only ever clean at night) and by 11pm it was more messy then when i started....hmm... i rearranged things too, and donated another coffee table to our loungeroom. There's a lot more space now.
On saturday night i went to a party for two of my friends that were celebrating birthdays, or rather just wnating an excuse to get a bit drunk - either way, a nice time. The theme of the party was to dress as someone going to the party....so i dressed as Anita, she dressed as me, Cuz dressed as Fiona and fiona dressed as Cuz...and so on.... It was sort of fun at first, we all tried to act like the person we were dressed as... but after a while i started to get a bit paranoid about someone wearing my clothes and acting like me.... hmmm... so i went to a pub were some other friends were having b'day drinks for a tafe friend, danny. that was pretty fun...throughout the night i got to wear big tough goggles, a crown, and went and talked to a cute girl.... she ended up having a boyfriend, which is sort of sucky in two ways ...well unless she's bendable... eventually cuz arrived at the pub - he'd gone from the original party off to the cambridge to see a gig. we stayed there until about 3 or 4.....can't quite remember... and then we started walking home - we were walking from the Lucky - which is pretty much right in town... it wa a long walk home but we stopped at hamburger haven to get scollop burgers and then at Bilo and got fluffy bunny ears to wear, they were blue and purple and sparkly. as we continued to walk home we met a group of baseball players up from Cronulla. we chatted to 'matty' for a while and then one of the guys ran from the other side of the road and tackled a full otto bin to the ground - it was very jock like but very amusing to see.
so....if anyone is still reading i think you should come up and see me one weekend for some frisbee in the original frisbee park. or some up on a tuesday night for fire twirling.

Lamb

Sitting at the computer in an empty house. Natalie is in Sydney for the weekend and Ryan moved out this morning. I am listening to Lamb. Gabriel is definately of of my favourite songs, for some reason it makes me teary. Maybe it's just today making me teary. I didn't get to bed until 8am and then Ryan woke me at 11am with some toast and to say goodbye. Keith and Janet had driven up to get him. I asked if he had everything and he said yes. He went to the bathroom so i walked into the kitchen to double check. He'd forgotten his frying pan, mug and a selection of Aldi foods. We had a nice goodbye down of the street. I walked back upstairs and started cleaning. I found two more things he'd forgotten: his little red stool and Drop the Debt t-shirt.
I don't think i'm teary about Ryan leaving, I am a little sad to see him go but he hasn't gone far. I guess it's a general sort of feeling that started yesterday. During a rather awkward conversation with someone I realised that after Ryan leaves I wouldn't have anyone particulary 'solid' here in Newcastle. There's been so much going on lately, little things that have snowballed into a feeling that is big enough to knock me over. Other people have bigger things to deal with but i must just be weak enough to let things get to me. I feel alone, I feel like i have no security - here or in Sydney.
Exhausted. Frustrated. And other depressing words ending in 'ed'.
During the clean i've been thinking about how i should start packing and getting rid of things i don't use or need. I just feel silly packing when I don't know exactly when i'm moving - or even where to. I should find out about one place tomorrow, or at least in the next couple of days.
It's already 1pm. Lunch time i guess, but there's not much food. I had breakfast before i went to bed, and then of course the second breakfast Ryan brought me at 11am.
I have been thinking for a long time that i should delete a few people from my mobile phone. Not cut them out of my life, just make it more difficult to contact them so i don't piss them off. I deleted one person yesterday but it was really spur of the moment and i sort of regret it now. Well, actually i don't regret it but i think i probably should have written down the number and put it somwhere incase i ever need it again. Sometimes it's just to easy to send random sms late at nigth after you've had a few drinks and them in the morning not even remember you've sent them. I think i prefer not remembering at all to remembering you sent one but not what you wrote. It messes with your head a little.
Assesment week is getting closer and the stress is building. At least i've made a few steps towards getting things ready. There's one part i'm a bit worried about though. I have to put together a sort of art CV thing and it's meant to have printed pictures of my work but the printer here doesn't work and it will be really expensive to print in the library at Tafe.
Jamiroquai just started. Maybe that will brighten the day a little. It's raining. It has been raining since about 5pm yesterday. It could have rained before then but i was inside most of the day so didn't notice.
I should probably get back to cleaning.

words from yesterdays train ride

There's a moth in this carriage. They seem to appear at the strangest points in time. It's going to be a long trip home, not the actual two hours but mulling over everything that has happened in the last few weeks.
My actions in certain situations could have been stopped, if only i had seen where it was all heading. I don't regret it all, I just feel an emptyness in me. I'm not sure how to fill it.
My body is numb. Lifeless. My mind is jumping out, seeping through my skin and surrounding me. I can see nothing but a haze of my emotions.

slowness

the computers have been quite slow in the last 24hrs, which is weird because we've probably been using them less lately because of TINA, so they shouldn't be under any stress at all.
last night ryan and i met with anousha to talk about doing her website for her. we got into trouble for plugging anousha's laptop into their power point. i think it's pretty cheap of them, we spent more money on beer and coffee then the cost of the electricity we used - not that we spent a lot on beer and coffee, just two beers and one coffee. my point is that the people at the Kent are cheap. At the hunter they let you play free pool and use the jukebox for free as long as you buy beer, so i think they would have let use use some power.
The others went out somewhere and so ryan and i watched Roman holiday. Well i watched up to the part Audrey falls asleep in his bed instead of the couch. I was too tired to stay up even though i'd had a sip of Ryan very very very strong coffee. maybe it's just hitting me now.
It a yucky rainy day today. some rainy days are beautiful but this one isn't. it's too cold to be beautiful.

the windy blow of life

it's been a few days now. my mind is crushed ice whipped with a sugary substance. even though i have the room to move, my body recoils into itself. it's dark and i don't know where i'm going. i haven't felt this in a while. so confused my stomach churns. blame falls on me from a lot of directions but i don't know how to fix it. i'm no genius in these matters. a stiff drink to soothe the soul. but does it? just makes my head sore. i'm getting ahead of myself, seeing my every step like a documentary of my own life. i don't like this channel, can't i watch something a little easier to swallow? no, i didn't think so.
i'm in this alone only armed with a cup of coffee and the musical sounds of the world. the music, the thing i can control. to control more things would be nice but i've been there before and it justs end up in more pain.
the eels are playing, they sing 'god damn right it's a beautiful day'. not really appropriate but maybe someone is trying to send me a message.
the calendar still says thursday. it's friday. maybe if i leave it the way it is i can stop time. have time to think and organise my life like a neat little filofax.
On the run i go out to hide. in the big world where everyone is only concerned with themselves. maybe that's my problem, i don't spend enough time with other peoples thoughts. it's a tough one, it could be destructive or it could make all the difference.

listening to NIN. a cd i bought because the girl in the shop had a NIN shirt on.

the week

this week has gone pretty quickly. on monday i had tafe - photography and Comtemporary art practices - photography was ok, we just spent the morning in the darkroom printing pics from a few light meter excercises. In CAP we watching 'Frida' and drew picutres on A1 paper during the film. A very nice relaxing afternoon lesson.
Tuesday I had visual arts, crafts, and design in context. WE have that lesson in the conference room which is nice and big. when we watch films and the lights are turned off you can see the light patterns from the cracks in the blinds on the white walls. I want to photgraph it one day. we had life drawing in the afternoon which was good, Nick, the model, is really interesting to draw - he's a bit old and has great muscle structure. In the afternoon i walked home and then went over to coral's new house to help her pull U nails out of the floorboards. we finished a whole room but i left with lots of blisters. oh well.
On wednesday i went early to tafe to go to the library and borrow some books. I borrowed four huge books, went outside to read them, and after about 20mins returned them all..... I am still learning about this 'research' thing. I went into my first class at 12:30 and walked out at about 12:55 .... I'm not sure why, i just felt very overwhelmed with life i guess. so i walked home. Natalie got home from uni not long after so we went and got some indian take away and ate it in the park. we walked up and down the street for a bit and then came home. I decided to bleach my hair ..... i did it once and there was this awful orange colour where i had dyed it brown. so i bleached it again and still no luck. so i sent natalie out to get more bleach. when she got back i went through it all again - by this stage my head was so horribly sore from all the bleaching... it didn't really work all that well the third time but we had to get going anyway because we were going to a tafe exhibtion opening. the exhibtions was pretty good. we mostly just looked at cuz and lisa'a stuff.. i mean we looked at everything else as well but we didn't know who's it was. afterwards we got a lift down to warner's bay ice rink so we could go to amy's party . by the time we arrived everyone was just leaving so we turned around and went home.
today is ryan's birthday. he got TWO cards in the mail. wow. any mail is good mail. he's making some panakes for breakfast - i'd make them for him but i don't know how.
both ryan and natalie have uni today so i'll probably just loaf around online and maybe listen to some cds i haven't heard for a while. Lisa is coming over this afternoon to bleach her hair - it should be more successful going from a natural colour.

*sigh*

there are so many things i want in the world......most of them, at the moment are star trek enterprise toys..
i have the T'pol one and today i was going to put captain archer on lay-by but bloody toys r us don't do lay-by... grrrr and they are a disconntinued line as well.... at the toys r us here they only have about 6 figures left including archer, reed, maywhether, klaang and silik. oh i also found a Reed with his little chair and control panel but that was $60. i don't think they are getting in the phaser and communitcator set in either... dodgey.

i want to be rich.

flowers

i think i might go across the road and buy some daffodil's. i think it's daffodil day.....they have a big stand and everything.

scared

i went to the medical centre today. i went at 10:50am and they said there would be a wait until 1pm. so I went to Coral's for a cup of tea.
I went back at 1pm and Natalie met me there, we went in and luckily i was in to see the dr soon after. I told him about the numbness and pain in my hands and also about the poor circulation. He couldn't really tell what was causing it so i have to get a 'c-spine' X-ray - i think the x-ray is to check for some sort of arthritis in my neck. I also have to get some blood taken - they doing tests with names like: fbc/esr, euc/lft, bsl, fe studies, rf, ana, rrv and bfv. I think that includes a iron test, diabetes, arthritis, and i forget the others - i looked them up online but it just started freaking me out. the dr even suggested it could be a carpal tunnel syndrome type thing. or something to do with the ulner nerve.

i hope it's something little.

dr

i think i might have to go to the dr soon about my poor circulation. i can be just standing or sitting somewhere and my hands will get pins and needles. my hands are always cold too and my feet.
i hope it's nothing bad... because i probably won't end up going to the dr....but it sounds 'grown up' to say i might.
I don't have a health care card so i can't take the risk of having to pay billions of dollars incase i have to get x-rays.
maybe i'll go get a healthcare card today.

pj's

well, it's sunday so i can't go to Eckersley's because it's closed. It's a bit silly for it to be closed on a sunday because all the art students who forgot they needed things and left it until the last minute can't go and get what they need.
so anyway i'm sitting here in my pj's and it's midday. chris said he might visit but he probably won't, it's hard to get home to medowie and all - medowie is like the berowra heights/cowan of newcastle.

cold

it's quite cold here today. the heater doesn't warm the room, it just wastes electricity...which reminds me, we got a big bill today.
the only ways to get warm is layering but then your can't even move around without looking like a sumo wrestler.

sick

i have some of fluey cold thing. i started to get it on sunday and last night it got real bad. i was awake for half the night coughing and sneezing and being either really hot or really cold. i feel like someone is driving a buring stake into the side of my head. my sinusses are sore, my nose is sore, and my jaw is so stiff i'm about to WD40 it.

theory

i have a theory about getting our adsl to work...

when it suddenly disconnects we spend a very long 4mins tyring to enable it again...but just when you give up and think that you'll have to go watch tv or something, it decides to work. it's all about sneaking i think.... we just have to be sneaky and make it think we have absolutely no faith in it.

kaia's blog

i think kaia's blog is very good. it's very honest and i think that might be why she doesn't want everyone to read it yet. she doesn't even name names in it which is very good of her, not that she says awful things about people, but she has respect for those she blogs about.
i think her decision to keep it undercover for the moment is something everyone should respect and when the time comes for her blog to be known, it will be a very grand day.

lazy

being lazy is fantastic. i managed to spend the whole entire day yesterday in my pj's. it was brilliant. i think it's even more brilliant being able to spend an entire day inside without having to go outside for anything. although i might have gone a bit out the back door to check for mail.
speaking of mail, today i got about 5 letters just for me!!!! it was fantastic. most of them were tax related but none were bills. one was my tafe results for subjects ending last term.

...

sometimes things just seem to crumble and eventhough you have the glue to fix them they just can't be fixed....
they just crumble for days and days and then fix themselves and go on as if nothing ever happened. as if you didn't even offer to glue them....

sydney again

i have to go back to sydney to work on tuesday. i think i might go down monday morning and play for a bit. i might see tamara, i'd like to anyway, she seems quite busy. i might go to chatswood to pick up some nuts for natalie. we diccovered a very nice nut shop last week that only has one store. it's a pitty, i think if they had a chain they would do really well. the nuts are expensive but worth it. and all australian too. at the moment i think the plan is to come home tuesday night but i migth come back wednesday if i'm too tired from bowling.

sydney day 5

today we went to chatswood.
it was an awful day to be outside, but we went anyway. i had to pick up some copperplate nibs for a lady at tafe at a shop called wills quills. it was about 7 blocks down vistoria ave from the station which doesn't sound that far but it was pouring with rain and there were puddles of deep water everywhere. by the end of the journey my shoes and socks were soaked and from the knees down my jeans were dripping wet.
we found a chookas chicken shop, like the one in wahroonga, so we stopped for some homemade wedges..... they were very yummy.
natalie's quest today was to find a winter coat, mine was to buy some shoes. we walked everywhere in chatswood and left with only a couple of butt ugly martian toys i picked up from target. we made our way back to hornsby where we met up with a friend from school. it was nice to see her and we had some lunch. afterwards we looked again for coats and shoes. natalie found a very nice coat and bought it. i didn't buy any shoes. the ones i liked were not stocked in my size and the ones i really liked were to expensive.

brain

it's one of those grey days today. i was going to go for a walk but it looks like rain. i have had cravings for the beach lately but everytime i go it so very cold.
after a week's drought of post we finally got mail yesterday but it was for laura breckenridge, i don't know when she lived here but we always get her mail. she must get none. there's alot your can tell from mail. laura is with ANZ bank and has a REST superannuation fund.

sun

the sun was shining down on her as the rolled over to reveal her white pale skin to the bright sun. she could already feel the sunburn on her stomach and wondered if this time her skin would peel off all the way down to her bones. she tried to forget about the image that had just popped into her mind.
summer was dragging on and on. she longed for the warmth of a think woolly jacket with big bright buttons - her skin wouldn't peel from that sort of warmth.

cold

it's really cold in this house/apartment/flat. or maybe it's just the feeling of death coming from downstairs in the butchers. they are nice people, the butchers, but their shop smells so bad, even a meat eater would agree. in the afternoon when it's being cleaned it smells like a cross between a chemical spill and a heated indoor swimming pool.

sleep

i had a good sleep in this morning until 11:45am. i dreamt i was swimming in a pool with really tall people and as i went to do another lap there was only about 30cms of water left in the bottom.

fun

it's always fun to log on to blogger and find and unpublished post just waiting for you, like a little dog at the end of a long day. just wating to be published. *sigh*
i don't know why anyone would want to wear a blogger jumper or t-shirt. i guess the jumper looks pretty warm so if i had money i might buy one but it's really just free advertising for blogger. It's like the 'trendy' op-shop down the road, on all their mens work shirts they embroid the shops name on the pocket. so you find this perfectly nice shirt with 'small change' written on it. I don't think it would really promote their business because no one would know about them because it's just one little shop. People would probably assume it's the name of a band or maybe a theatre company.

channel V hat

i like wearing my channel V hat.
it's black and makes me look taller.
it also makes my head look less flat.

sometimes

sometimes you just feel as if the whole world is gooey. nice, simple, and gooey. you feel like it's warm and the people around you actually like you - even if they don't - it's still feels that way. and then sometimes it feels cold and hard. but still nice enough to live in.

raining

its raining again today. just want to rug up and listen to music or watch videos. there's nothing stopping me from doing this but i feel guilty.

gay

gay people in newcastle are pretty anti-social. at least in sydney they talk to eachother.

Music

Music that makes you feel any kind of emotion ultimately becomes part of you and who you are. The lyrics say things about your life, you make them your own words. So if a song makes you feel angry or sad should you stop listening to it or use it as a gauge for your feelings? If one week a song makes you feel sad and the next it blends into the background does that mean you are longer sad or that you have become too familiar with the feeling of sadness. The emotional effect of music and lyrics can sometimes be so powerful that you completely let it take over you, you want to feel the music, you want to dance, - even if you can?t dance very well according to those who claim to be ?good? at dancing. So when you dance and feel the music is a response to the music or a response to the feeling you get from the music? i think the latter holds more weight. If you like the music, if it makes you feel good, you get up and dance, but it you hate the music, if it makes you feel sick inside then you won't dance.
I could draw up a timeline of my life and place songs along that line to represent my attitudes towards life and myself at those particular points. It would tell a story about me but this story would be bias. Now, if I asked someone has known me all my life to draw my timeline for me they would pick out songs they know I?ve liked. But liking a song is different to having an emotional connection with it. So the first timeline, that I have made, will be an emotional roller coaster through my life, but the second, the one made by a friend or acquaintance will be stereotyped by the sort of person I am seen to be.
Musical taste can say a lot about a person, but it goes further than that, but people don?t know enough about each other to see that. Music is intimate, even if you?re standing in a crowd of ten thousand, it sends a different message and feeling to everyone that hears it.

natalie

i wish natalie knew how much i love her.

saturday

i think saturday morning rove on the radio is a bit much. having him in your livingroom on the telly is one thing but the possibilty of hearing his voice in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom (the list goes on) is a bit too much. he's a funny guy but when i turn on the radio i want to hear music, so unless he is about to dive into the music industry i don't want to know. the radio takes away some of his comic value too, you need to see the guy to enjoy him for plain simple fact that he's a funny looking person. he's short, he has a weird nose, and he has that boyish smirk. without the visual he just sounds like a dog racing announcer.

ocean

an ocean is swirling in my stomach and i'm not too sure why. nothing is obviously wrong with life but there's something uncomfortable about it. something that might have happened in the past that is started to surface. but i think it's scared of coming back, or maybe i'm scared of remembering it. it feels so physical that i could almost throw it up, discard it and walk on by.
it's like feeling drunk without the alcohol. no buzz. no laughter. just a dumb silence in my mind.

on the train

on the train. 27-4-03
country trains. they're musty and damp with a sauna like warmth. not a welcoming warmth, an uncomfortable warmth, a wamrth that has a sort of 'piss off' attitude. so why am i in this sweaty metal box? because i thought it would be a nice gesture to attend a friend's 21st, even if it meant 4hrs on the train there and back.
there's people sleeping. travelling people with huge packs. how can they sleep? aren't they afraid of waking up in the middle of nowhere?
it's raining. rain makes trains so much more depressing, so much more smelly.

you

you put me in a box so you could keep me clean
shoved into a corner you never said why
you asked me how i was but didn't really listen to my cloaked answer
i found my world without you
i did well at things i liked
you asked me how i was but again you didn't see
so now you've given up on me, now you don't even ask
so that's why it's like this

feeling

Today i'm feeling that sort of soft gooey emotion that is sort of between happiness and bawling your eyes out. sort of mellow i guess. a lot of things have happened today but not really big things - just small things that have quite a big impact...
firstly, while at work this afternoon i realised that it was my second last shift before i move to newcastle. i've been there since mayish 2001 thats about a year and a half. and, well i guess i've grown attatched to all those old people - even the mean ones. suddenly i started getting all gushy about the fact that it was my last night of serving dessert....and tomorrow my last night of washing all those bloody plates in the big huge dishwasher... and my second last time of john coming into the kitchen and saying goodnight.....tomorrow night he won't be 'seeing me at a later date'..... i'm sad, i'm really really sad.
second thing.... when i checked my email after work i had one from The Waifs - well not them exactly but one of their plebs.. anyway, they've started a thing called the waifs street team. basically you fill out a form and if like like you they send you a whole lot of promo stuff for you to hand out around your area so everyone gets a little waif goodness in their lives....and well i am worthy of such a task it seems. so yay for me. the band that wrote the song that changed my life has accepted me as a worthy pleb. i'm so excited.
third. now, i'm not sure what to make of this one yet....but about 6mths i was told by someone that they didn't want to keep contact with me. which would have been fine and forgettable but they wouldn't give me a reason why. *grr* so anyway a few emails were exchanged about this matter and no information was thrown my way. but today....at about 10:25am this person authorised me on their icq list. *gasP isn't icq a means of contacting one another?? what does this mean? was it an accident or has this person changed their mind? or maybe they found out i was recruited as a waifs pleb and wants some of the action....
stay tuned for more .....

buildings

And the buildings crumbled and the rock's fell.
So we asked ourselves 'where from here?'
We wandered through the dusty streets with our wardrobes in black plastic bags.
We searched for others, heard faint cries, but had no luck
Were the cries in our minds?
Were we crying out? - to ourselves or perhaps the unknown of the dusty broken city.
The winds started blowing, the pavement alive with whirling fragments of the once bustling city.
The air was cold on our faces and harsh on the wounds we held onto like lottery winnings.
It was all too familiar but all too new to our eyes.
The streets a shattered jigsaw puzzle of mixed up direction and structure.
No structure. All was a blur.
We were in a devastated denial, wanting it to be over whilst not believing the truth of destruction.
Our so called family homes were rubble, no signs of sunday dinner or photo albums of the past.
It was all dead. Gone. Nothing.

****i wrote that on the train today...i was going to chatswood to buy pants. black pants. did i find some? yes. did i find some i liked? no. two hours of my life.....wasted... damn westfield.

almost a month

it's been almost a month since i last typed in this little box and sent it off into the unknown world of the internet. i think i've been a little distracted by the outside world. things are in a blur. like a big painting that looks really cool from ten meters away but when you walk up really close you can't actually make out what it's a painting of. but, i think at the moment i'm not really worried about what life looks like, it's painted in nice colours so thats good enough for now. what i am worried about it the thing that makes the colours look good, the thing that holds it all together - natalie - the frame. my thoughts on the situation are complicated at the moment. my brain is ticking but i can't seem to make out the tune or the lyrics.
(by the way, there is a song, an old song, that goes: 'i can't see me loving nobody but you, for all my life' - if anybody can tell me who it's by and what the name of it i'd be a very happy chicken, heck, i'll be anything you want)
now my train of thought has crashed dammit.
oh, there is a reason i haven't blogged for so long, it's not the best reason but it's more then 'because'. see, a few weeks ago i wrote an entry and went to post it and my computer froze and i lost the entire thing. and it was long. and i was very annoyed.

sleepy town

sleepy town, sleepy coffee, sleepy red couches. want to join me?
sounds delightful, when do we leave?
tomorrow on the 8:34 train.
oh, that's very soon. i'll have to go pack.
no, don't worry about packing anything. all we need is good coversation.

do you think

do you think that maybe if i was different you'd care when i enter the room
perhaps if i was going out somewhere you'd ask me when i'd be home and if i'd be safe
i've never known you to be interested in my life, so i'm scared to think about the prospect of it being a reality
if you spoke to me would you criticise who i am? yell at me for not being up to your standards?
if so, would it be worth it to try and get close, just to be pushed further away by your attitude towards me?

the storm

the storm rushed through the windows of the big ship. the ship was green, and had 'houlia' painted on the side. she was a good ship, but now a damp ship. although, she was already pretty damp from being in the sea....hmmn.. ok, anyway, the storm was pretty bad, so bad that everyone on the ship was hiding under their blankets in their bunks. except for harry. harry was an odd one. people thought maybe he was dropped on his head as a child. harry was out on the deck, soaking wet from the rain, but just standing there having a conversation with his sock puppet, bill, about the meaning of life.

paint a picture

paint a picture of emotions and hold me in your arms
we'll float along the river under a blanket of bright stars through black blue sky
i'll take your hand and place my lips on yours
i'll know every part of you and you'll know every part of me
we'll drift until morning greets us with warm sunlight

maybe

maybe i'll buy a big boat and sail off into the sunset with my beautiful girl. or perhaps just rent a nice little apartment and enjoy sunday morning sleep-ins.