funny thing happened.....
i woke up at 5am with my wallet, keys and phone still in my pockets....at this time i didn't know it was 5am but it still confused me. then i remembered i had had a bit to drink last night. in Amanda's words i was 'exceptional'. Exceptionally intoxicated enough to fall asleep with everything still in my pockets. i seem to had managed to get off my belt though, which you would think would be harder then taking things out of your pockets.
I don't know exactly why i actually got out of bed at 5am, but perhaps it was because i strangely remembered the washing load i had put on yesterday at about 4:30 and decided i should probably hang it up to dry.
so i've been hanging washing, drinking lots of water, and listening to my Bluehouse cd.
i had signed into msn but no one was online - why not hey?
just earlier i noticed a friend in the uk was online so i started chatting to him. about 5mins in i noticed that instead of my username saying 'erin' it said 'i fucking had everyone go fuck yourselves you shit eaters!!!!'
now, i don't remember writing this but i must of because ryan's moved out and natalie's in sydney. when and why i wrote this is a complete mystery, well not complete, i'm guessing i did it last night.
If ryan was still here he'd be able to explain everything and he would have been able to stop me from doing these crazy things.

i so had something to blog about and it's just left me.....
damn hey. i have been remembering how good the vegan chocolate cake at vegebar on brunswick st in melbourne is. maybe i can get mark to wack some in some tupperware for me and send it up.
oh i just remembered the purpose of this post. i was just in the kitchen getting some water out of the fridge and noticed how bare the fridge looks - it finally looks properly 'student' with it's lack of food. although there are lots of condiments. reminds me of fight club. "How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food." actually there is more then condiments, there's my collection of water bottles full of water on the top shelf and some kahluha. maybe even some soy milk. and there's a small collection of fruit and vegetables but they're natalie's.
Is anyone else getting sick of the smiley face pop up ads? they seem to be everywhere.
maybe i'll watch fight club tonight. although i have to be up at 7:30 for tafe at 9. hmmn. i watched a great old movie before called "what's up doc". brilliant.
it's getting a little chilly.
howie just said that maybe we spend too much time online..... i don't think so. and anyway, the internet brings people together. :grin:
i'm still pretty hyped about the rugby last night.....such a great game.... been listening to UK compilations all night.
OH hitler is online...

it's annoying liking someone's music but finding that person a bit weird. it ruins the whole listening experience.

Little People

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

If i left now i could get to sydney by about 11pm.

Sitting at the computer in an empty house. Natalie is in Sydney for the weekend and Ryan moved out this morning. I am listening to Lamb. Gabriel is definately of of my favourite songs, for some reason it makes me teary. Maybe it's just today making me teary. I didn't get to bed until 8am and then Ryan woke me at 11am with some toast and to say goodbye. Keith and Janet had driven up to get him. I asked if he had everything and he said yes. He went to the bathroom so i walked into the kitchen to double check. He'd forgotten his frying pan, mug and a selection of Aldi foods. We had a nice goodbye down of the street. I walked back upstairs and started cleaning. I found two more things he'd forgotten: his little red stool and Drop the Debt t-shirt.
I don't think i'm teary about Ryan leaving, I am a little sad to see him go but he hasn't gone far. I guess it's a general sort of feeling that started yesterday. During a rather awkward conversation with someone I realised that after Ryan leaves I wouldn't have anyone particulary 'solid' here in Newcastle. There's been so much going on lately, little things that have snowballed into a feeling that is big enough to knock me over. Other people have bigger things to deal with but i must just be weak enough to let things get to me. I feel alone, I feel like i have no security - here or in Sydney.
Exhausted. Frustrated. And other depressing words ending in 'ed'.
During the clean i've been thinking about how i should start packing and getting rid of things i don't use or need. I just feel silly packing when I don't know exactly when i'm moving - or even where to. I should find out about one place tomorrow, or at least in the next couple of days.
It's already 1pm. Lunch time i guess, but there's not much food. I had breakfast before i went to bed, and then of course the second breakfast Ryan brought me at 11am.
I have been thinking for a long time that i should delete a few people from my mobile phone. Not cut them out of my life, just make it more difficult to contact them so i don't piss them off. I deleted one person yesterday but it was really spur of the moment and i sort of regret it now. Well, actually i don't regret it but i think i probably should have written down the number and put it somwhere incase i ever need it again. Sometimes it's just to easy to send random sms late at nigth after you've had a few drinks and them in the morning not even remember you've sent them. I think i prefer not remembering at all to remembering you sent one but not what you wrote. It messes with your head a little.
Assesment week is getting closer and the stress is building. At least i've made a few steps towards getting things ready. There's one part i'm a bit worried about though. I have to put together a sort of art CV thing and it's meant to have printed pictures of my work but the printer here doesn't work and it will be really expensive to print in the library at Tafe.
Jamiroquai just started. Maybe that will brighten the day a little. It's raining. It has been raining since about 5pm yesterday. It could have rained before then but i was inside most of the day so didn't notice.
I should probably get back to cleaning.

i'm at newcastle uni at the moment helping Lucinda put together the zine for SEAN (student environment activist network). it's looking pretty spiff but we've had a lot of hassles with computers. Lucinda doesn't like them very much. so far i've done the cover, and formatted a few articles.
we're working from the student association buidling. they have quite a few computers set up and comfy seats - not wheelies - but probably nicer to sit on.
when i was waiting to get picked up this morning i saw amy looking at plants across the road outside home hardware. i don't think she bought anything.
peta's birthday thingy is tonight so cuz is coming over later and we'll head to that. i think i'll take some stuff to whip up a stirfry or something as it's a byo bbq. i could take vege sausages maybe but peta mentioned she had a wok so i might give that a whirl.
after peta's i might go to the g to hang out with a few mates. cuz might be going to the Lucky so i might end up there as well at some stage.

i think we both know who should own that t-shirt.... c'mon, hand it over.

I had a pretty up and down day today. Sort of like a rollercoaster but without the safety bars. Feeling a bit overwhelmed by assessment week coming up, not really that worried about how i'll go but the atmosphere at tafe has been a bit crazy. I've had trouble processing things lately and feel as if i'm going to completely forget to turn up with my work next week. Or perhaps that i just want to escape to sydney and hide. Not that sydney would be terribly comforting but in theory it's a nice idea. Even though my life is pretty much up here now i still feel a bit bound to sydney. I still feel like there is more security there. I'm not too confident with people up here yet. Well, some, but not all.
I am waiting for ryan to finish making and eating his pasta salad so we can go play frisbee.

There's a moth in this carriage. They seem to appear at the strangest points in time. It's going to be a long trip home, not the actual two hours but mulling over everything that has happened in the last few weeks.
My actions in certain situations could have been stopped, if only i had seen where it was all heading. I don't regret it all, I just feel an emptyness in me. I'm not sure how to fill it.
My body is numb. Lifeless. My mind is jumping out, seeping through my skin and surrounding me. I can see nothing but a haze of my emotions.

I was having a really nice day until ten minutes ago. Now i've gone all angsty. It's bad. I feel uneasy and sick.
i don't understand how people can be completely fine one day and then really detatched the next. Actually i can, but it's still strange and still annoys me. Why bother making any effort with anyone if you're going to be treated like an odd sock. I don't think it's intentional but that doesn't mean that we all shouldn't attempt to be nice. I respect my friends, and their feelings, so if they are having a shitty day i'd rather they say 'i'm having a shitty day' then just act cold. At least then i'd know it wasn't something i'd done that has made them feel bad. That's the last thing i'd ever want to do to anyone.
I'm ranting. That's how much i'm annoyed.
I need to go lay down and nap. i shouldn't really because i have tafe work to do.
people. blah.
if people weren't mostly nice then i'd become a hermit.

I don't exactly remember what all my categories mean. oh well. blah will have to do for this one. It took me four hours to get to sydney on friday because of track work. i met a nice girl, max, on the bus. she is in third year uni at newcastle studying arts. she was going to stay with her parents in gosford.
I had a pretty big night on friday so i decided to come home sat arvo instead of staying until today. i have some tafe things to do anyway, like finishing making my folder. I've already bought the tape so i'm pretty on track with that one.
Last night i got back into newie at 8pm. Met cuz on the train and we came back to my place so i could dump some stuff. we went to see Bitchcraft play a gig at the Lass and afterwards there was a Ramones cover band playing. i managed to drink half a beer but was feeling too seedy to finish it. I stayed until 11pm and then decided i was too tired to keep on. I started walking home and remembered that there was a drag king show on at the G so i gave kristal a call and met up with her and her friend adam and we headed over. somehow my exhaustion had escaped me. The show was only $5 and since i was only drinking water from then on it was a fairly cheap night. The show was pretty good, the girls were up from Sydney and do the wed night show at Slyfox. I hung out with Lucinda a bit and chatted to another mate, lisa. All in all a pretty fun night. I got home at 2:30am and had some tomato soup and then crashed out in bed. This morning i woke up and saw ryan studying at the table, i kept falling back to sleep and then i'd wake up and see him napping while sitting up straight in his chair - quite a skill. at one stage he was actually head down on the desk. when i finally got up ryan said he was walking to aldi so i went with him. i wasn't wearing shoes and the cement was crazy go nuts hot.

Last night i made a blog for my individual project for Comtemporary art practices. It's all about what i had in my pockets yesterday. I only realised this morning that it was feeding through to the blog water hole, which might get annoying because it will stay the same post unless i start going through my jacket pockets and bag pockets etc. i'll see how i feel.
I woke up at 5:30am this morning to go watch Amy teach figure skating in Warners Bay. I thought i had dressed warm enough and told Amy i didn't need the spare jacket she had brought for me because i was tough..... she was teaching for about 2hrs and i froze my ass off!!!! apparently i went a bit blue. After she had finished teaching she got me onto the ice. I was really stiff at first because i think all the blood in my legs was frozen....also i hadn't been on the ice in about two years. It took me a while but i got used to it. I had forgotten how much i enjoy it.
I am going to sydney for the weekend so i have to catch something soon - a train hopefully but it might be a bus if they've got trackwork on again.
I think sitting in that big fridge has given me a cold. I feel all sinusy....oh well, it's getting sunny so hopefully i'll defrost soon.

ryan: erin, you fed me beer and now i'm sleepy.
me : yeah fed you.
ryan: yeah, with a spoon

ryan: erin, maybe you should beocme a nun and then you wouldn't have to worry about girls.
me : yeah, living in a convent, with all those girls.....

ryan : you need to get married.
me: me?
ryan : yeah, become a nun or get married..

ryan: you want me to join a nunnery, a nunnery... i'd be wasted in a nunnery, all that sex appeal.

ryan : aaaaarhrrhhhha give me your bottom..... i haven't heard that noise before, it's a new one. *in response to the toilet making a funny noise*

me: not worth my 20c...

ryan: you're lucky there are no girls i'm trying to impress that read your blog, erin.

ryan: i don't think girls suck, i think they're the best
me: why?
ryan: because they're pretty.....and they're kind.......and they're friendly...............that's all.

I have been in Hornsby for not even 24hrs and already i have seen Dana, Condy, Vic, Richard, Pheobe, Erin, Melissa, Kate, Tamara, Felicity, Bec, Bec, one of my twin cousins..., an old primary school teacher, an old high school teacher, and i think a few other random people too.... I'm not really that suprised, i lived here for 18 years, but i'm a bit sad that all these people are still here. Not saying it's a bad place but i've had such a great time living in a different town. I think everyone should do it.
Even though i've already seen all these people, Hornsby doesn't seem as friendly anymore. There's people here that i've known for more then 5 years but they don't feel as close as my friends in Newcastle. I really like Newcastle. I think i want to live there for a long time.
I'm about to go to the airport to farewell a friend, Fiona, who is going to america for 6 weeks. I only met her last friday but she's a pretty cool chicken. Her friend Errin (yes two r's, i know it's a little hard to get used to) is driving her from Newcastle which is very lovely of her. I'm a bit excited about going to the airport. i even have my special plane t-shirt on.
I had a bath this morning, first one in about three months. HA no i'm not turning into a hippy.... In Newcastle i can only have showers as we don't have a bath. I had forgotten how much time i used to spend thinking in the bath. Maybe lack of bath thinking time is why i've felt so scattered lately.
I was going to have some vegemite toast but there isn't any Nuttelex here. Kaia usually has it so i don't know whats going on. i think i might make Fiona a goodbye card.

Cuz has a blog. My little boy is growing up. *snuffle*

I found this outside the Commonwealth Bank this morning. Nice stencil, good cause.

For months and months, possibly even a year i have been trying to remember the name of that show. Then, finally, this morning i decided to ask Ryan one more time if he remembered the show... i said "ok, there was a man that sort of looked like Alf Stuart from Home and Away.....and there are children..." and then Ryan jumped in with "Miraculous Mellops!"
Straight away i looked it up on google......not much luck though so i turned to the trusty imdb and
there it was.
I'm so excited...
"On the moon, the moonlings are all intelligent children and all answer to the Grand Baby, the ruler of them all. But the Grand Baby is dying, so a shooting star is set to Earth to call upon the next Grand Baby. The shooting star lands in a family home causing various pieces of household items to inherit super powers. Two moonlings come to earth to help the kids put all items together and discover who the next Grand Baby is. The only thing standing in there way is a pesky interfering neighbour with the surname Dump."

jara called me yesterday to ask if i'd sent him a package in the mail.
i hadn't and asked why he thought it was me. he said that inside the package was a packet of skittles and a packets of condoms. he thought of me because of the skittles. we used to eat skittle all the time. never ate any condoms though. he was a bit weirded out that it wasn't me because it wasn't just a normal packet of condoms, they came with chocolate body paint as well.
i am really curious now as to who sent them to him. i sort of wish i had now becaue it's pretty funny.

i miss jara.

i have really bad cramps. i never get cramps so i'm thinking these aren't ordinary time of the month cramps. i went down the street to the chemist in agony to get some naprogesic. on the way back i thought i was going to vomit. like seriously vomit up everything, organs, food, the whole deal. i thought i'd definately have to throw out my clothes, that i'd be found clutching my stomach, feotal position, on the ground in a pool of vomit. lucky for me, and the people on the street i held out until i got home. i thought i'd feel better after i threw up but i don't. i feel like someone is jumping around in my stomach, playing squash or tennis or something. i can hear churning. bubbling. i feel like someone has a sword through my ribbs. it's only 6pm but i think i'm going to bed. it's just too intense. bed, with a bucket by my side. charming. i think it's time to see a doctor.

i managed to do the shopping and catch two buses without saying a word.
i bought some dried apricots, i used to love them when i was little and it seems they taste just as good now.
i've been thinking a lot about how much i care about my friends. maybe too much. caring for people puts you in a very vulnerable position. it would be easier if i didn't care so much about their thoughts and feelings. i wouldn't feel guilty for taking up their time or telling them about a bad day. I think i've only known two or three people that i can truly just feel comfortable with and not feel like a burden. it probably comes down to how i feel about myself personally more then anything else. the caring for people issue is just a creation to help my see my own faults.
if my tv wasn't broken i could watch an Audrey Hepburn movie and cheer myself up. i'll just have to settle for dried apricots and the gentle hum of the computer.

i have nearly completly lost my voice. i had forgotten about it because no one else has been home to talk to so when i went to the bakery this morning i was fairly confident that i would be able to ask for a multigrain cob. instead of 'multigrain cob' i mad a few whispers and squeaks. the lady in the shop said 'excuse me?' and i managed to say 'cob' in my loudest whisper, and then motion to the grained ones.. the lady laughed at me. gave me the cob, and laughed some more. how rude.
i need to do some grocery shopping. i think i'll walk, it's not far at all and if i catch the bus i will have to speak. i don't think i'll have to speak at bi-lo.... all these things to think about... i don't think i'd enjoy being mute forever. although it's sort of nice in a way. i feel like i'm in my own little world.

today i have eaten a whole lot of bread/toast with tomato and avocado on it. right now i am doing a slightly different variation with pesto on it too.
i'm really getting into avocado's, i think it's good that i haven't eaten them all my life.....it's good to try things late, keep a little excitement in life.

had a very interesting night...morning...whatever.
i paid my phone bill.
dad is coming to visit today with filling cabinets and a desk. what fun.
fiona laughs. a lot.