Sitting at the computer in an empty house. Natalie is in Sydney for the weekend and Ryan moved out this morning. I am listening to Lamb. Gabriel is definately of of my favourite songs, for some reason it makes me teary. Maybe it's just today making me teary. I didn't get to bed until 8am and then Ryan woke me at 11am with some toast and to say goodbye. Keith and Janet had driven up to get him. I asked if he had everything and he said yes. He went to the bathroom so i walked into the kitchen to double check. He'd forgotten his frying pan, mug and a selection of Aldi foods. We had a nice goodbye down of the street. I walked back upstairs and started cleaning. I found two more things he'd forgotten: his little red stool and Drop the Debt t-shirt.
I don't think i'm teary about Ryan leaving, I am a little sad to see him go but he hasn't gone far. I guess it's a general sort of feeling that started yesterday. During a rather awkward conversation with someone I realised that after Ryan leaves I wouldn't have anyone particulary 'solid' here in Newcastle. There's been so much going on lately, little things that have snowballed into a feeling that is big enough to knock me over. Other people have bigger things to deal with but i must just be weak enough to let things get to me. I feel alone, I feel like i have no security - here or in Sydney.
Exhausted. Frustrated. And other depressing words ending in 'ed'.
During the clean i've been thinking about how i should start packing and getting rid of things i don't use or need. I just feel silly packing when I don't know exactly when i'm moving - or even where to. I should find out about one place tomorrow, or at least in the next couple of days.
It's already 1pm. Lunch time i guess, but there's not much food. I had breakfast before i went to bed, and then of course the second breakfast Ryan brought me at 11am.
I have been thinking for a long time that i should delete a few people from my mobile phone. Not cut them out of my life, just make it more difficult to contact them so i don't piss them off. I deleted one person yesterday but it was really spur of the moment and i sort of regret it now. Well, actually i don't regret it but i think i probably should have written down the number and put it somwhere incase i ever need it again. Sometimes it's just to easy to send random sms late at nigth after you've had a few drinks and them in the morning not even remember you've sent them. I think i prefer not remembering at all to remembering you sent one but not what you wrote. It messes with your head a little.
Assesment week is getting closer and the stress is building. At least i've made a few steps towards getting things ready. There's one part i'm a bit worried about though. I have to put together a sort of art CV thing and it's meant to have printed pictures of my work but the printer here doesn't work and it will be really expensive to print in the library at Tafe.
Jamiroquai just started. Maybe that will brighten the day a little. It's raining. It has been raining since about 5pm yesterday. It could have rained before then but i was inside most of the day so didn't notice.
I should probably get back to cleaning.
Well i don't like you feeling like that.
I think you're importnat and i'm glad you live in newcastle and i'm stoked that you will be there when i get back. i think about you all the way from u.s, even though i don't now you much,only for a few days.
trust me, be really glad that you live in australia, in newcastle, in a house, with an education, with a computer, with a mind, with a sense of humour and a whole bunch of friends who think you're the shit.
god, i sound like a social worker, but tis all true.
bye
i don't like yo feeling like that.
i think you are important and i think about you from over here in the u.s and i am stoked that you live in newy and that you'll be thtere when i get back. even tho i known you for only days.
just be glad that you live in australia, in newy,with the BEST beaches in the world, in a house, with a brain, and a computer, and an education, and a computer and a whole bunch of friends that think you are the poo.
please smile and post something to prove that you have looked on the bright side. me want you happy.
fi
whoops, i thought that first one got lost, that's why i re wrote it.
Posted by: fi at November 22, 2003 03:19 PMyou have a pretty good memory - you nearly remembered what you wrote nearly word for word. i was going to delete one but they both are lovely.
thanks fiona, you're the best.
i'll work on a happy post...
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