it's been a few days now. my mind is crushed ice whipped with a sugary substance. even though i have the room to move, my body recoils into itself. it's dark and i don't know where i'm going. i haven't felt this in a while. so confused my stomach churns. blame falls on me from a lot of directions but i don't know how to fix it. i'm no genius in these matters. a stiff drink to soothe the soul. but does it? just makes my head sore. i'm getting ahead of myself, seeing my every step like a documentary of my own life. i don't like this channel, can't i watch something a little easier to swallow? no, i didn't think so.
i'm in this alone only armed with a cup of coffee and the musical sounds of the world. the music, the thing i can control. to control more things would be nice but i've been there before and it justs end up in more pain.
the eels are playing, they sing 'god damn right it's a beautiful day'. not really appropriate but maybe someone is trying to send me a message.
the calendar still says thursday. it's friday. maybe if i leave it the way it is i can stop time. have time to think and organise my life like a neat little filofax.
On the run i go out to hide. in the big world where everyone is only concerned with themselves. maybe that's my problem, i don't spend enough time with other peoples thoughts. it's a tough one, it could be destructive or it could make all the difference.
listening to NIN. a cd i bought because the girl in the shop had a NIN shirt on.